Smeg tossed and turned, another sleepless night. This night was different however, as he had to be up early to attend alcoholics anonymous at St. Gabriels Church, Sathorn.
''Fucking hell, I really need this, it's too early to get up and too late to sleep''
Smeg decided to get up and take a shit. As he sat there, he envisaged the upcoming meeting. Dread filled his mind.
He did up his shirt and tie and left the apartment block. The fruit truck was already waking up the locals selling durians and bags of buffalo shit.
The ride to Sathorn was hell. The bus dragged along through the traffic, stopping every minute as the sun started to get hotter through the glass-less windows.
Finally after the two hour journey he arrived at Sathorn Road at the Rama IV junction. Already sweating, he now had to walk another 400 metres to the church. His laptop bag straining at the shoulder. ''Lucky I don't actually have a laptop'' he thought. ''Or else it would really weigh a tonne''.
He strode into the hall, sweating like most alcoholics would at that time of day. Smeg took his place in the circle and waited for the others to arrive. A friendly looking Canadian lady sat down and took names.
''Today we have two new members I see, what's your name?'' she asked looking at the 60-something man next to him.
''Jarvis, from Liverpool....in England''
''Great, and what about you, young man...you do look nice I must say, are you single?''
''My name is erm......''
''Hang on, I will just go and play with myself in the toilet''
''Eh?'' Smeg was a bit taken aback.
''Ok, I'll start the meeting'' A guy in his 30s clutching a bible stood up. ''I am David, welcome, so if you would just like to introduce yourselves, we'll start''
''I'm Jason and I'm a thai-ophile''
''I'm Jeff and I am a self confessed thai-ophile, three years clean now''
''I'm Mark and I am a thai-ophile, two ....''
''Spare me the romantic details and let's crack on please'' Mark interrupted him sternly.
''I'm Jock and I'm a thai-ophile''
Smeg felt dizzy, suddenly he felt strange, and the room went blurry, the members in the circle moved faster and faster introducing themselves and then stood up in a Mexican wave.
''Thai-ophile, thai-ophile, thai-ophile, thai-ophile,thai-ophile,thai-ophile,thai-ophile, thai-ophile'' It sounded like a chant. It got louder, the mexican wave got faster until it was just a fast blur going around him. Smeg began to sweat, and his turn to introduce himself came.
''My name is ..........''
Smeg woke up with a start..''I'm no thai-ophile'' he said loudly, sleep talking, still half dreaming.
''What the fuck happened there?'' He said to himself. ''Thank fuck for that''. The bed sheets were soaking with sweat. He looked at he back of his girlfriend sleeping next to him, and out came a loud fart. She loved baked beans. He hated this girlfriend. If it wasn't for he well-connected father he would never be sleeping with her. Never mind smelling her farts.
It had been a dream. A nightmare. A bad fucking nightmare. And another hangover which made his head throb. It was only 5.30am.
''You awake Noi? You stink today...min kee hahaha''
He shook her, she was cold. What now?
Fuck her, he thought, she's fast asleep and the aircon had been on all night anyway and he had to get to a lesson at St. Gabriels Church hall to teach a bunch of Thai male alcoholics how to speak properly. Due to cuts in funding, the Thai and English AA meetings were being merged and they had hired Smeg to teach the Thais how to stand up and tell the farangs they were alcoholics. Sad. All this for 220 Baht an hour.
Smeg did toy with the idea of putting his penis into her arse while she slept, as she had never let him do that, even though she boasted that her last farang boyfriend had slotted his full 9 inch shaft into her and she said she loved it. ''Bitch''..... He thought.
''I won't give her the fucking satisfaction'' He mumbled as he went to the bathroom.
Two hours later after a marathon bus ride he arrived at the AA meeting. It went well, apart from his laptop bag shoulder strap breaking on the way. ''Lucky I don't own a laptop'' He chuckled to himself. ''I wish I fucking did though, that would enhance my ever growing status amongst the Thai executives I hang out with''
Like most alleged TEFL-ing farangs, Smeg had high aspirations.
He got back at 4pm and lit a cigarette, and thought of dinner. Mama noodles again, as he hadn't got paid yet. He was owed 3400 Baht from Fall Street english school and couldn't get an advance. ''Cunts'' Smeg thought, ''I travel the length and width of the city for those bastards and they still won't give me a sub. They'll be sorry when I fuck the arse off Nok''.
Nok was one of the cleaning girls at the Fall Street offices. She wiped the leaves of the plants and cleaned the squat toilets. She had once walked in on Smeg when he'd forgotten to lock the cubicle door, and had bad guts. She had cleaned the mess up after him after he'd splattered the place. That's when he'd caught her eye, as he squatted. Wierd how life was.
''I'm a casanova, even with my trousers round my ankles and squirting shit I can pull 'em...I'm the man'' Smeg was also delusional, said his therapist.
Smeg looked over to his girlfriend, who was still asleep in the same position as he'd left her.
''Fuck it, I'll give her one'' As he did so he noticed the same smelling fart was still lingering in the air. He undid her underwear and a stench wafted out.
''Fuck that, I ain't going near that... Noi....Noi !, fucking wake up, wake up will you, its almost 5 o clock'' He shook her and she was still cold.
''Oh dear, is she dead? She stinks like it and is cold....do I call the ambulance?''
Smeg then remembered that in Thailand ambulances charged a 1000 Baht call out, which meant 15,000 Baht for rich farangs. And it'd take ages anyway, as even with a siren and flashing lights, Thai motorists don't move out of the way to give way to ambulances like in the west.
''What do I do....how did she fucking die on me?...I gotta hide the body, I can't sleep next to a corpse tonight, I might get lucky down soi cowboy....oh shit, maybe not, I'm stone broke and even Phil won't lend me a few thousand, he's not answering his phone''
Smeg lifted up the limp body and tried to move it. The skin colour in her face had gone from dark brown to a pasty white. She sure was dead alright.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. The rent lady was here again. With the male security guard from downstairs for back up. Fuck.
Smeg laid the body in bed and made it look as if she was just asleep.
''Hello, you have money? Can come inside room?'' The woman barged in with her crony following behind. He really needed this like a hole in the head.
''Girlfriend you?..you have Thai girlfriend?'' She pointed at Noi's body.
''She suay mak mak, white skin ...aaaahhhhhhh suuuuuaaaay''
The security man walked over as well and looked at Noi's face.
''Norn laew, poo-ying see-kow suay mak mak mak .......mai dam ....suuuuaaayyyy mak mak''
The rent lady made a phone call, and told the person she was calling how beautiful and white skinned this farangs girlfriend was. She obviously couldn't believe it. She then made three more identical phone calls. The security man made two calls saying exactly the same. Finally they turned to Smeg.
''You have rent room money na?''
''Not today, on sunday...wan-attit na'' Smeg said in broken pidgin Thai.
''Ok na, fan you suay mak, you ok na...wan-attit di..bye bye''
That was a close call. Smeg had to think about getting rid of the body, but how? In fact, how the hell did she die in the first place?
He sat there, trying to piece together the night before.
He'd been out with Terry from Cardiff, who also TEFL-ed, and they'd ended up falling down drunk near Sukhumvit 19.
But what exactly happened? Smeg cast his mind back to that fateful evening......
''We'll meet outside the Old Dutch, ok? I gotta go as I am on a break and have another two hours of class to teach''
''Ok Terry I'll see you then''
When I was in America a guy told me to 'have a nice day' but I didn't, so I sued him
Smeg was looking forward to an evening out, finally. His girlfriend had become a thorn in his side, constantly demanding cash and gifts that she thought she deserved. Funny thing was, she didn't return the same gratitude at all. She was a bit like a slab of cold wet fish in bed (but he'd give her the benefit of the doubt as it had only been 5 months relationship so far) and she wouldn't suck his dick right to orgasm, in other words he'd never been able to come in her mouth. And she always spat out whatever did get into her mouth.
Her father ran a fleet of Bangkok taxis and was a bit well off, and with Smeg's ambition to climb the social ladder he needed a girl like her. He was always giving her chances. Maybe it was time to do a runner.
Smeg's relaxation time was mainly taken up trolling on the discussion forum of ajarn.com. where he'd share such topics like 'What is your excuse for escaping your country of birth' and 'ajarn.com admin are all degree-less losers'. He'd been banned countless times for such topics but had nothing else to do. Reading books was a chore, and he already masturbated seven times a day, so how else was he to pass the time?
He met Terry at around 7pm and they had a few beers at the Old Dutch.
''So what's with the new bag? New laptop?''
''Yeah got the latest Mac yesterday''
''Show me and I'll tell you if it's any good''
''I'll show you later, I got a blister from opening this fucking zip all day on this bag and I snapped the strap when a monkey at the zoo bit it''
''Yeah the international school where I'm headteacher had a trip to the zoo''
''Oh right''....Terry was a bit sceptical because Smeg had told him the day before that he was in charge of Fall Street Thailand, the CEO.
''So how's the girlfriend then? Still getting married?''
''Maybe, but she's gone to the UK to buy a new skirt, she's always jetting off here and there, she has no trouble with visas and all that, her dad is in the mafia, she's hi-so you know''
''I know, you keep reminding me enough times...could she organise a drive-by on my ex girlfriend?''
''Possibly, give me her details and I can just make a call'' Smeg was always ambitious in his boasts. If, god forbid, he was ever taken up on a boast he'd have to act fast but luckily he was quite convincing, to a dumbass Welsh person like Terry anyway, who had left school at 7 years old and had then served 8 years for sex offences. Terry always maintained that it was for robbery but he looked a bit seedy, with his ill fitting trousers and thick rimmed glasses.
He'd arrived in Thailand to teach after falling for a bargirl in Pattaya the year before and had worked hard stacking shelves to save what he could to 'emigrate' to 'paradise'.
They drank at the Old Dutch before moving onto a quieter place up the road in Sukhumvit 19, and by 2am Smeg was falling over and had to make tracks to leave. He stumbled into a taxi and got home, gave his last 100 Baht to the driver and headed upstairs to his one room apartment.
Noi was asleep, and Smeg nudged her, she murmured something about being tired and as she turned over in bed, her eyes still shut, a seven inch dildo feel from under the duvet and onto the floor.
''What's this Noi?''
''My friend leave today, she forget''
''You promised me that you'd respect me for who I was, and not my dick size and erectile dysfuntional disease, you lying bitch''
Smeg had always tried finding girls who were 'different', office girl types who wouldn't act like whores, but in his limited experiences he always had the worst luck.
So he picked up the dildo and beat her with it, over and over until she was totally still. She was breathing slowly but was out for the count. Smeg jumped into bed and fell asleep. Unbeknown to Smeg she had suffered severe internal injuries.
There was still the problem of what to do with the body. It was starting to smell and rigour mortis had almost completely set in. Smeg sat against the wall on the floor and knocked back two bottles of Lao kao, the effects numbing the feeling of dread that polluted his mind.
Suddenly, he had a brainwave.
''I could still fuck her'' He thought, and his drunken state enhanced this idea all the more, egging him on to do the deed. He thought fuck it, you only live once, and that Pat bloke fucks his cousin regularly so this isn't so bad...well, she's dead but she's more alive than most of the bargirls from Nana I've been with.
Smeg mounted the corpse from behind and violated the already limp body, pulling up Noi's dead arms around his neck to simulate passion. He rolled over after a couple of minutes, satisfied. Spent. Relieved.
Another swig of Lao Kao.
The body still needs to be got rid of. It came hanuting back. He thought he'd throw it over the balcony into the canal nearby. He picked up the corpse over his shoulder and some of his spunk dribbled out of Noi's orifices and onto his clothes. A small price to pay for pleasure, he thought.
He hurled the body over the balcony and heard a huge splash. Out of sight and out of mind. He collapsed on the bed.
Smeg was woken by the door being banged loudly. It was the police, and they had recovered the body. A peasant living in a canal-side slum had seen the body hit the water and called the police.
''You're arrested for necrophilia and murder'' The policeman told him.
''Hope you got a good lawyer''
Smeg looked up, unable to maintain eye contact with the cop.
''Funny you say that but my students friends mother is a lawyer''
Smeg looked smug.
It had been more than three days in a prison cell at Lat Prao police station. Smeg had been transferred there by the Crime Suppresion Division's crime against women's unit, who had originally wanted to do a press conference but had had second thoughts when they realised that nobody cared at all.
After taking a crap into a leaking bucket that morning, Smegs lawyer arrived, a buffon-haired woman in her 60s, who spoke perfect english. She had been recommended by a friend who assured Smeg that she had the relevant 'contacts' to get his sentence reduced to at least 96 years with good behaviour.
Handcuffed, sweating and stinking, Smeg was hauled before the judge and told of the charges: Murder, indecent exposure, posession of drugs and posession of offensive material for distribution.
''I really need this, just get me to my cell, I'll do my sentence and hope for a King's pardon after 30 years, that way I could still TEFL a bit more before retiring to my home country of birth with a nest egg'' He told his lawyer.
''I wouldn't get your hopes up, unless the judge is in a good mood, you should opt for a friday afternoon trial, that way the judge is in a better mood and just wants to get down the pub for a friday drink with his buddies from immigration''
''Ok do that then, see what you can do''
''Have I reminded you of the cost?''
''Of what?'' Smeg was under the assumption that the British Embassy were providing legal aid at the British taxpayers expense. ''The Embassy are taking care of it right?''
''I should fuckingco-co, this ain't Tenerife....!! Who do you think you are?.......They said they wouldn't help you even if you were about to face execution, in other words they wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, you're on your own''
''What do you charge?''
''7000 Baht per hour, and you already owe me for sixteen''
''Christ, what the fuck..........I could work it off''
''Got any mates? You know, women your age who have been recently widowed?''
''No I fucking haven't, anyway what did you do to the British Embassy? They just kept hanging up when I called about you''
''I was the boyfriend of one of the Thai staff there''
''Why the hostility? towards you? What did you do?''
''I.....erm.......accidentally shat on her chest when I was drunk and my fist slipped up her arse''
''Slipped? How?'' The lawyer, Bom, thought for a second. ''You fist-fucked her?''
''Absolutely not, it was an accident''
''My arse it was''
Bom's phone rang and she smiled. ''Got you a friday afternoon hearing, 4.30pm, last of the day, and week....could be promising''
''I could get off this? Murder?''
''I'm not promising anything, just get some sleep and see you on friday''
''I'll sleep well in my four poster and silk sheets'' Smeg said after her sarcastically as she walked out.
''Hey, corpse fucking sex case, back to your cell, we got a nice big dinner for you'' The police officer in charge shouted at him. His colleagues all burst out laughing in unison.
''Big dinner?'' Hmmmmmm. Smeg thought. Maybe one of his influential friends had got him a KFC or something similar. He arrived at his cell and there was a covered silver platter on the floor. Smeg peeped inside and inside was a gruesome discovery. A pile of freshly laid dog faeces was on the plate.
He could hear the officers roaring with laughter down the corridor. No dinner this evening then, it seems.
Smeg lay on his square of lino that night, clutching his stomach in pain, trying to sleep. Masturbating was out of the question, as his cellmate was not yet asleep. It was as if the cellmate had read his mind.
Smeg felt a nudge on his shoulder, it was the skinny drug addled Lao guy who'd been framed for smuggling drugs. He pointed at Smeg's shorts.
''I chuck-wow you?''
''Yeah, ok, I no sleep, norn mee-dai na...hahahaha''
''I boom boom you?''
''Yeah why not...give me good sleep hahahaha''
Smeg woke with a start, his back aching from the concrete floor. The sheet of plastic lino between his back and the floor was no use. He noticed his shorts were wet will a sticky substance. A wet dream. A dream? Had it been all a dream? The sex with his cellmate? He heard a creaking sound.
He rolled over and looked up. His cellmates limp body was hanging from the light fitting. He'd hung himself sometime during the night. Poor bastard, Smeg thought. Sex must have taken place then.
Bom was waiting for him down the corridor as he was led out his cell after forensics had left. He heard something that the officers were saying about feeding the corpse to the crocodiles down at Samut Prakan crocodile farm. A violation of human rights, I could get them up on that, Smeg thought to himself.
''You're in court this afternoon, best of luck'' Bom said to him.
''What's the worst time I could get?''
''First degree murder, necrophilia, assault during attempted disposal of a corpse, being drunk in charge of a corpse, and having valium''
''Yeah, when you chucked it over your balcony it landed on a tramp at the canal side before it rolled into the water, the tramp is pressing charges''
''Because you are a foreigner...anyway it works in your favour that your girlfriend had white skin''
''Wish me luck'' Smeg was cuffed and had his ankles shackled as he shuffled into the courtroom.
''Your honour, my client pleads not guilty to all charges, and is at your mercy sir''
''Ok let me read the charge sheet....hmm.....murder of an Isarn girl, sex with a cadaver, assault, drugs........I hereby give you 76 years in prison''
The judge was about to hammer it home when Bom interrupted.
''My client will buy you a bottle of Johnny Walker Gold if you let him off''
''Oh really? Gold?...Oh go on then, it's friday and I just wanna get out of here, I got three mia nois to get through this evening...go on, fuck off both of you, I don't want to see you again...I'll throw the fucking book at you next time...... case dismissed, insuffient evidence, I do however order the defendant to pay the court costs of 53 Baht''.
The judge made a swift exit, dis-robing as he exited the court, a weekend of drinking and debauchery ahead of him.
''What did I tell you? Friday afternoon trial....if this was monday morning you'd be fed to the gay Africans at the Bangkok Hilton for sure...Yipeeeee!'' Bom jumped up and down in joy.
''Gay Africans? Damn....''
''You still owe me for my time remember, but if you sleep with me tonight I'll let you off....I'll even let you sodomise me if you want....that's one of my fetishes''
''That's the spirit......'' Said Smeg to himself, smugly.
Smeg and Bom made their way out of the court building, and a mob of press were waiting outside.
''Mr. Snodworthy, how do you feel about getting off scot-free?''
''Say no comment, let's get out of here fast'' Bom told him.
Smeg had other ideas, and wanted to make a point to the press.
''I have a dream, a dream that one day we farangs will all be equals here in the Land of Smiles, to be able to go about our business without hindrance, to be able to be free from double pricing, to date Isarn girls without the stigma, to be able to be executives without being assumed to be tourists, I now rest my case''
''Oh fuck off'' One journalist heckled him loudly.
''But this is Thailand'' One journalist shouted back.
''Open your mind'' Smeg replied.
''But this is Thailand, never been conquered'' Another journalist shouted.
''What's the point?'' Bom said to Smeg, ''let's just go and eat some food''
As they sat at Big Johns in Tong Lor waiting for their food, the reality of his debt to Bom started to hit home. Did he really have to sleep with Bom? She must have been in her 60s at least. But he'd just off a murder, assault and necrophilia charge. It was worth it.
After an hour and a half they decided to drive (in Bom's car) to Boms apartment but they'd forgotten something.
''Hang on, we haven't had our food yet'' Smeg looked over at Big John, who was sitting playing on the internet at the counter. Smeg told him about the late food.
''I'll just check the kitchen'' John told him.
John went into the kitchen only to find the two girls sitting about, one was doing her nails with her mobile phone cocked to her ear and the other sat there picking her nose. John bellowed at them loudly and they told him that they had merely 'forgot' and laughed. John lifted two pies out of the freezer.
They arrived at Bom's shophouse and went upstairs.
''Just going to the toilet, wait for me here.....won't be long''
Smeg sat on the two seater sofa, sweating in the heat of the shophouse. He stripped to his underwear and waited. Part one of the payback, he thought to himself, here we go, close your eyes and think of something else.
Bom emerged from the bathroom with a towel round her, unable to hide the fact that her rolls of menopausal fat had drooped to hang over her waistline. Her breasts were like long soi dogs nipples drooping down towards her large stomach.
Later that evening Smeg was able to go home, but was still in debt to Bom. His un-performance had angered her when she had demanded sex, and she also had threatened to have him killed.
Smeg lay down on his bed, the stench of death still in the air. He looked at his money situation. 230 Baht. Things were dire. He had to do something fast.
He rang Phil. No answer. He rang Terry.
''So you're a free man mate, what did it cost you?''
''I got off because of my connections, I told didn't I? I didn't have no lawyer, no embassy rep, nothing, I'm the man...I got compensation as well''
''780,000 Baht mate...what you doing tonight?''
''I'm on a date with some bird from the BTS...hi-so mate!!''
''Have her bring a friend, we'll double''
''Her mate is a bit chubby...I'll warn you....and she's coming anyway so it'll be good to have you to help get rid of her''
''Yeah you know what these Thai chicks are like, always bring a friend on the first date''
''Fine by me, Tel, I'll see you at ..what? 7.30?..tell me where cos I lost my phone in prison, so can't call you''
''Ok, meet at the Emporium, top floor, the Italian gaff, Pomodoro''
''Yeah, I'm a regular there mate, see you later''
Oh shit, Smeg suddenly thought, he remembered that he had done a runner from the same restaurant two months earlier when he was a bit short of money. It was at that time he was teaching at McDonalds who paid him in meals in-house. Trouble was, he was sick of McDonalds and wanted a change of scene, and the waiteress was giving him the come-on as he walked past.
Smeg arrived at the Emporium to find Terry with two girls dressed in BTS blouses and tight trousers. Terry introduced them.
''This is Pom, and this is her friend from work, Am...erm, what's with the fake beard and moustache mate?''
''I cut myself shaving real bad, I'm embarressed, shy, gotta cover it up''
''But Am will never know what you look like''
''Find em, fuck em, forget em...that's my motto...by the time she finds out my facial hair is not real she'll be leaving my place with bow legs''
''Yeah right, good way to go mate'' Terry turned and raised his eyebrows at Pom, who in turn glanced at Am.
They sat down in Pomodoro's and looked at the menus. Smeg's bearded look was attracting giggles from a group of kids seated nearby.
''Dunno why they're laughing, Beckham had a beard for a while''
''But you're hardly Beckham are you?''
''You're hardly Casanova are you?'' Smeg hit back.
''If Casanova lived in Bangkok I doubt he'd be Casanova either''
Smeg turned to Am. ''You work BTS? I love go lott-fai-farr na''
''Poot Thai di lor?'' Am was excited.
''Poot Thai di, me puen khun Thai yerr mak mak na, puen bpen mafia, bpen damloo-at, bpen hi-so''
''Alai na? Mai kow jai''
''My friend Thai, they hi-so they big mafia, and policeman'' Smeg spoke slowly in pidgen english.
''Oh, kow jai....jing jing lor?....chorp na..''
''I'll be in her fat little knickers in two hours at this rate Tel''
''You bastard, I'm still telling her about my work, we're not all well conected like you mate''
Smeg smiled at Am, and caught himself in a mirror along the back wall of the restaurant. He winked at himself.
They ate and drank, and by 11pm Smeg had managed to bullshit his way into Am's heart, he'd already promised to marry her, get her dad's business partner shot, get her younger brother off ya-ba charges with help from his 'police' friends and get her mother a cheap buffalo using his agricultural connections.
Terry was also lucky, Pom and him were heading for RCA. Which left Smeg to Am, all to himself. The evening wasn't perfect though, Smeg's false beard almost came loose when it dragged through the carbonara sauce but he'd managed to hold it on.
Smeg and Am arrived at Smegs apartment block. They took the lift upstairs, and in the light of the lift Smeg noticed how pale her skin really was. He'd done it, he thought to himself, another white skinned girl, unlike those ajarnforum losers who could only pull Isarn whores but denied it at all costs, he was different, this girl was different.
Outside the door of his room Smeg made her wait outside a minute while he went in and tidied up. He left his laptop bag on show and sprayed some deodourant around to freshen the smell, and applied more glue to his beard. If she wanted to shower with him, he'd have to decline, he thought. I bet she offers to suck me off in the shower, that'd be just my luck.
''Ok come in Am, this my room, mai sokabok na''
''Chai, leb-low mak''
''Gin beer mai? Gin breezer mai? .....Mai mee breezer, mee narm Spy na, ok mai?''
Smeg was cruising, it seemed, and in a matter of an hour he could be romancing this girl into bed.
Am's mobile phone rang, she appeared a bit worried.
''Hallo? Yoo barn laew na, norn laew......mee-chai mee-chai....norn laew''
''Who was that Am?''
''Oh right, she wants you go home?''
''She sick, I must go home see her buy medicine....I'm sorry na...''
''You have boyfriend?''
''Mai mee, mai mee sure''
Am got up and walked towards the bathroom, Smeg stood up in front of her, a bit angry.
''Why you no tell me you mee fan laew?''
''Mai mee sure...suuuuuurrrrreeee na...bpai hong-narm na, gap barn..''
Smeg nudged her in the back and gestured with body language for her to sit on the bed but she avoided his nudge and went to put her shoes on, she grabbed her bag.
Smeg ran in front of her and stood in between Am and the door.
''Please stay, I want you stay...please''
''Cannot, pee-sow mai sabaii na.......''
Smeg lunged forward to kiss her but accidentally pushed Am and she slipped, falling on a stack of empty beer bottles. Suddenly there was blood seeping from under Am's body as she lay on her back, gasping for breath.
Oh shit, Smeg muttered....here we go again.
Smeg sat there, staring at the lifeless body, the blood trickling, forming a pool in the middle of the floor.
What is it with my luck? Smeg thought sadly. Why am I so unlucky in love? Why can't I just meet a girl who's not a whore, who's 'different' like those guys who boast on thaivisa and ajarn? Why can't I just marry into money instead of all this struggling with girls and their demanding families who flirt with grinding poverty, live in slums and live like fucking peasants?
Smeg put his head in his hands, and ripped off his fake beard and moustache, tossing it into the pool of blood. He also had to act fast to get out of this. He needed help. This time he'd take no chances. He'd dissolve the body in acid. bad idea. He had a plan. He'd use his connections and get the corpse disposed off properly.
Smeg rushed downstairs to the payphone. He had an old bus ticket with Pats number on it. At least Pat would at least offer sensible advice and know what to do.
''Pat it's me, I'm in dead shit man''
''So you thought to call me? I'm kinda busy now''
''Doing what? This is fucking emergency''
''I'm in bed with my cousin''
''You filthy bastard''
''This is not the time for morals, what the fuck do you want?'' Pat was getting impatient.
''I got a body, a dead one, I need to get rid of it, can you help me carry it to the crocodile farm? I gotta get rid of it, I can't risk it, not after last time''
''This is a bad habit you've got into, what are you? A fucking serial killer?''
''I don't mean to do it, it was an accident...anyway I got off didn't I?''
''Yeah I know, I saw it on tv, I heard your speech, I saw you leaving court with that Frankenstein lady''
''It was on tv? That was my lawyer you bastard''
''Look mate, just this once, give me the details and I'll call around to some friends of mine, call me back in ten minutes''
Smeg was shaking with fear. Sweating. Agitated. He waited ten minutes which seemed an eternity, and called Pat again.
''Ok, rest assured mate, you'll be in good company....what you got?''
''One female body, 60 kilos, lots of blood, broken glass...''
''Ok go back upstairs, chill out and wait for The Sloth, who'll be with you shortly''
''You're sending The Sloth?''
''Yeah mate, feel better now?''
''That's all you had to say half breed'' Smeg hung up the phone and felt a huge relief. The sloth was a legend, an urban myth.
Ten minutes later there was a knock at the door. Smeg peered through the spyhole and saw a man he'd only ever heard about. He opened the door. In a leopard skin suit and long leather coat stood The Sloth.
''Hi, I'm The Sloth, I solve problems''
''Great I sure got a problem here''
''Right, let's get down to the nitty gritty here. I understand you have one female body, lots of blood from an arterial wound, clothing and shoes to get rid of am I right? This is what we do....what we need is lots of toilet tissues to soak up the blood....go get some fast''
''Please would be nice'' Smeg was not used to such stern orders since he was in the supermarket stacking shelves before he left his home country. As much as he needed the help, he didn't need to be ordered around.
''Come again?'' The Sloth was annoyed. Big time. ''Please? I'm here to help, if my assitance is not appreciated, you're on your own. The reason why I am short with you is because time is a factor. You want politeness? Go down the fucking British Club''
''It's not that I don't appreciate your help, I'm an executive, and I'm in a supervisory role, I'm usually the one who gives the orders, you know what I mean?''
''Those executive fuckers you work with, where are they now? Are they here helping you out of this predicament? Fuck no. Your uncle Sloth is. So pretty please with sugar on top, get the fucking tissue''
''I don't have any''
''How the fuck do you wipe your arse?''
''I use newspaper''
''For fucks sake'' The Sloth peeled off a 500 Baht note from a huge wad and handed it to Smeg. ''Go to 7-11 and get lots of tissues, lots of the softest, thickest ones you can get...oh and get me a bottle of Johnny Walker, some soda and a bag of ice'' The Sloth handed him another two thousand Baht.
Smeg dashed off. The Sloth sat on the bed nonchalantly and lit a cigarette, and called Pat.
''Fucking kids don't know anything nowadays, how the hell do you know this clown?''
''Met him online, he's kinda pitiful, you know, Billy-no-mates kind of guy''
''I can see that, this guys got fucking Doramen bed sheets and lots of pairs of sandals. On the blacony he's got six vests hanging up. I dig his dress sense, what is he? A sex case? A hopeless mental case?''
''Nah'' Pat replied, ''he needs a break mate, he's stuck here in Thailand, he teaches kids english, you know, one of those guys who flees his homeland''
''I know the fucking type, a sex case'' The Sloth looked around the room. ''He better act fast if he wants out of this...hey I just noticed a nice laptop in the bag hanging up''
''Laptop? No mate, it's just the bag with a monopoly board folded up in it to make it look that way''
''Ok Pat, I'll talk to you later, about the money for this little fucking caper''
Smeg was soaking up the congealed blood as The Sloth sat on the bed drinking whisky and sodas, smoking.
''You see that blood, you gotta soak that shit up, then we take the clothes, the body, the handbag, her phone, and your clothes, and wrap them up in this fucking pussy duvet you got here...what the fuck's that thing on the floor?''
''I was wearing a disguise on this date'' Smeg replied.
''Ok, I don't wanna know, get some garbage bags and let's fucking get going, go wash your hands''
Smeg went to the toilet and washed his hands. The Sloth tied up the bags and arranged them neatly by the door.
''Just gotta take a piss and clean my hands, get ready'' The Sloth went into the toilet and erupted in anger when he saw the sink. ''What the fucks this? Soap? Look at this fuckin' towel, it's like a lesbians on the fuckin' rag in here''
''I was drying my hands'' Smeg looked at the towel The Sloth was holding up.
''You're supposed to wash them first''
''The door was wide open you saw me washing my hands''
''I watched you get 'em wet.....Look it's shit like this that gets you caught, ok? I'm not nagging you but just be fucking aware, ok? Now let's get down the fuckin' back staircase and get this garbage to the construction site''
They drove to a BTS station that was still being built for the Bang Na extension.
''Now'' The Sloth turned off the ignition. ''This foreman is a close and dear friend of mine, you know what that means? You got any close and dear friends?''
''Didn't think so'' The Sloth said curtly, and got out the car.
''How fitting'' Smeg said as they tossed the body and bags into a deep drilled hole which was to be filled with concrete. ''She worked for the BTS''
''Good for her''
''So what now?'' Smeg looked at The Sloth as they sat in the car.
''I gotta go now, I'll come and see you tomorrow at 12''
''Thanks sloth, pleasure watching you work'' The Sloth handed Smeg a wad of cash.
''Cheers Smeggie, now piss off and go get drunk, forget about this shit'' The Sloth drove off.
Smeg went to about five bars and sank drink after drink. At the end of the evening he found himself in his favourite hi-so place, the On Nut beer garden.
It was crowded with Thais and farangs. Drinking and laughing. The band played 'Hotel California'. Smeg looked around the tables and noticed a familiar looking face.
''You're Mickey Rourke aren't you?'' Smeg said drunkenly.
The guy looked at his friend. ''I might be, what's your story?'' He was American alright.
''Just drinkin' gettin' drunk....and you?''
''This is my mate, Andrew'' He gestured to a drunk looking english guy who downed a full glass of beer in one, then held up his glass. ''Cheers'' he said loudly.
''Just drinkin' my troubles away, waitin' for a friend who's fuckin' late..'' Andrew told him.
''I'm cool, on my own, celebrating'' Smeg ordered another jug of beer.
''We're waiting for a mate, Pat, he's late..he's meant to be bringing his cousin'' The American guy told him.
''Pat? Cousin?'' Smeg was sure it couldn't be the same Pat he knew.
''Yeah, we been waiting two hours already'' Andrew told him.
The place started spinning around him. Smeg woke up with a start. It was quiet and Smeg was face downwards at the same table, and had passed out. Around him people were cleaning up. He'd also urinated in his pants. He staggered up and got a taxi home.
The next day he was woken by a loud knock. It was The Sloth again.
''Your uncle Sloth has got you a new bedroom set'' The Sloth handed him a large Big C bag, with a duvet and new sheets inside. The Sloth's phone rang. He looked up at Smeg after a few seconds and stood up.
''Gotta go, talk later''
Smeg lit a cigarette and sat on the toilet. A few minutes the later the door was kicked down. Two policemen barged in with guns.
''Mr. Snodworthy? Wipe your arse, you're under arrest for suspected kidnap and murder''
Smeg was taken to Lat Prao police station, Bom was there with Terry.
''What's going on Bom? Hi, Terry''
''You were on a date with a girl who's gone missing, and with your track record you're the prime suspect''
Stay cool, Smeg thought to himself. All he had to do was bluff it out. The Sloth had helped to clear all traces of Am from his room. All he had to do was be calm.
''We have you on CCTV returning to the apartment with the missing girl'' The officer told him.
They watched the grainy footage of Smeg and Am walking towards the lobby. Smeg suddenly jumped up.
''That's not me'' He protested loudly. Bom looked at him. He winked at her.
The officer looked at him, unconvinced. ''So who else could it be?''
''I don't have a beard and moustache, do I?...the girl could have left the back way''
Bom interuppted. ''My client has a point, officer, the person in the video looks nothing like my client, he has no facial hair whatsoever''
''We will prove it is him'' The officer laent forward menacingly.
''Oh yeah? how?''
The officer leant back, scratched his chin and lit a cigarette. twiddling a pen in his other hand.
''Ok, we will continue this at a later date. Mr. Snodworthy we would like you to surrender your passport. We wouldn't want you returning to your home country like all you farang failures, would we?''
''My client will press charges for false arrest'' Bom told them angrily.
''I don't wanna press charges really'' Smeg told her quietly ''I just wanna go home...thanks officers''
Smeg, Bom and Terry left. Terry went up to Smeg.
''Just what the fuck happened? One minute we're all enjoying dinner, me, you, Pom and Am...and now this''
''I don't honestly know mate, she must have met someone after I left her''
''So who's this fucking bearded bloke, Robinson fucking Crusoe?''
''I was pissed last night, I honestly don't know Terry''
''Whatever happened, I hope you got a conscience mate''
''I do, and I'm as mystified as you''
Terry lit up a cigarette and looked at Smeg. Smeg looked back at him.
''Let's talk later mate'' Smeg turned to Bom.
''You owe me more cash, let's go'' Bom winked at him. Smeg sighed.
''I'm going home alone'' Smeg walked off.
''Hang on mate, gotta tell you about Andy, he's getting married to that chick from the bar, up in Surin, fancy going? Just us, like the film, wedding crashers or something like that''
''Surin? ......Sounds good tell me more tomorrow, I'm tired''
Smeg arrived back at the apartment block and got out of the taxi. A black BMW 750i was parked up. The Sloth's car. As he walked past the window wound down.
''How's it feel to be free?'' The Sloth asked.
''I got you to thank, and I also covered my ass as well didn't I?''
The Sloth looked bemused. ''How? ......Oh yes, the beard and moustache, very smart''
''Always be prepared, that's my motto'' Smeg laughed. ''You got a motto sloth?''
''Yeah, never fuck with fate'' The Sloth looked him in the eyes.
''Cool, you got an email or something? I would like to stay in touch''
''I got a website'' The Sloth took a drag on his cigarette. ''Look me up at XXXXXX dot com''
''Oh yeah? you admin or something? What's the name I know you by on there?''
The Sloth looked at Smeg down his nose. And smiled.
The window woumd up as the BMW sped off.
Smeg stood there, pondering.
What next? He thought to himself. A wedding out of the city would be the welcome break he needed. He'd call Terry and tell him he was gonna join him.
Three or four days to get out of the city to Surin. Smeg needed a few days to charge his batteries. A perfect oppourtunity. He was getting suicidal and having bad dreams.
Terry arrived with the minivan at midday.
''Bit of a squeeze innit? This is only a mini van''
''Yeah'' Replied Terry, between puffs of a cigarette, ''What do you expect for a thousand Baht?''
''Where we staying?''
''Great news on that front, we've been given a huge place on the 12th floor with four bedrooms in a new high rise condo''
''Fuckin' hell, how come?''
''I told Andy I'd be with five mates, well... he doesn't know I don't have five mates, and this is the condo where he and his new wife will be living''
''Smart thinking, sick of them slaezy hotels'' Smeg replied.
''What you got against seedy hotels?''
''I've been in my fair share of them in my time, ain't got nothing against a seedy gaff at all''
Smeg cracked a beer. Terry looked at him.
''Bit early for alcohol isn't it?'' He asked him.
''You look after your liver and I'll look after mine, thank you very much'' Smeg said smugly.
''So here we go then, a weekend of bliss and sin and sun''
''It'll be murder'' Smeg joked.
''Not funny'' Terry replied.
''I'll drink to that'' Smeg laughed.
''So how many girls will be at this wedding? My luck's gotta change at some point innit?'' Smeg asked him.
''Mate, with your current track record I should have left you in Bangkok, but I don't wanna be the only fucking farang standing around like a spare prick''
''I'll tread carefully then'' Smeg told him.
They arrived at the condo they were staying at in Surin that evening. The wedding was the next day and Andy was having his stag party with his fiancee's brother and his mates, a bunch of Thai guys. Smeg dreaded this. They had chosen an outdoor roadside 'pub' with a sparse selection of beer, some rough looking girls in their late 20s and whisky.
''This will do nicely...sit down lads'' Andy said in his Manchester accent. ''My last night of freedom, boys''
''Can't say I envy you'' Smeg told him curtly.
''Me too, too big a step for me...Andy, any family coming from England?'' Terry asked him.
''Nah, my family dis-owned me a couple of years back, when I left for Thailand the first time without telling them, they said I was stupid to just up and leave on the strength of some liason with a girl from a hair salon, and only 400 quid''
''That's all you arrived with?'' Terry asked him, surprised.
''I saved that from washing cars and my dodgy fags scam, and when I got here I got a teaching job no sweat''
''I assume you have a degree and teaching certificate'' Smeg said sarcastically.
''Yeah, from the university........of Kao San Road'' Andy and Terry both started laughing loudly.....''As long as white you can work at any school'' Terry added, ''I get 32,000 Baht a month for turning up and talking in class about David Beckham and farang girls breast size, the boys love it''
''Is that the limit of your aspirations? A crappy teaching job? You should try and be an executive'' Smeg told them.
''Well it keeps the booze and whores coming in'' Andy told him then laughed with Terry.
''And what if you had to go back to the UK?'' Smeg asked.
''Never going back mate'' Andy replied.
''Me neither, I'm here in paradise'' Terry added.
''You could get paid holidays, a car, lapto, expense account, the lot...and a decent salary... teaching is for losers, it's a dead end job'' Smeg was being high handed.
''I'm off for a walk'' Smeg told them suddenly and got up and walked off. Fucking losers, he thought to himself.
He arrived at a karaoke bar where two rough looking hostesses beckoned him in. He was the only customer. The place was silent with the smell of stale smoke. A girl at the bar put some music on. It was 'Hotel California'. Smeg ordered a Chang and sat down. Peace at last, he thought to himself.
Back at the roadside bar, Andy wasn't so happy. ''What's his problem?'' He said to Terry.
''He's stressed from family stuff mate'' Terry explained. ''He is all fucked up in the head''
''I'll drink to that, get some more beers in and another bottle of whisky, them Thai guys can drink a lot!''
Andy paid for the drinks again and as all of his fiancee's brothers friends had lost their wallets and not yet recieved their ATM cards from the bank.
A girl perched herself on Smegs lap and gyrated her hips to the music as she sat. Smeg smiled at her and bought all the girls a Spy cooler drink each. At least he could get lucky here. He rose to walk to the toilet and noticed the girl following. She smiled as she undid his belt and zip, his cock flopping out of his trousers. She took it in her hand, then made a face and choked. She ran out of the toilet.
What the fuck, Smeg thought. He did up his trousers and went after her, she was already telling her friends something and they all looked at him, giggling. Just what the fuck was the matter? Smeg paid and left.
I got bad vibes, bad luck, negative aura, he thought. He went to the 7-11 and buought two large bottles of Lao kow then sat on a wall overlooking a wasteland with discarded polystyrene and rusting air con motors. Soi dogs prowled around, with puppies in tow, and the place stank. Smeg gulped the liquor down and put his head in his hands.
An hour later Andy, Terry and the Thai boys were well drunk and dancing, shouting things like ''farang kee-mow'' and ''sanook mak mak'' much to the amusement of the Thais.
Terrys phone vibrated in his pocket, it was Smeg calling. Terry answered.
''...I'm gonna kill myself, it's the only way''
''Why mate, whats up now?''
''I can't handle things any more after all what's happened'' He slurred, ''I can't even get laid''
Terry sighed. ''Look mate, we're going back to the condo in about 20 minutes, do you remember where it is? Twelfth floor, ok?''
''There's no other way, Tel, I'm gonna jump from the condo then'' The phone went dead. Smeg had run out of coins.
Terry turned to Andy. ''Let's get back to the condo and wait for Jack the fuckin' Ripper...I wish he would fucking kill himself sometimes''
''This is my stag night, and that c*nt's ruining it..why the hell did you bring him here?''
''Because I honestly thought he'd chill out'' Terry told him angrily.
They got back to the apartment and carried on drinking. The Thai guys ordered some girls from a nearby bar and danced around the lounge, singing along badly to ''One way or another'' with two girls from the roadside bar.
There was a knock at the door. andy and Terry looked at eachother.
''Act like nothing's happened, like we're in a good mood, we'll get him pissed and then hopefully he'll just pass out''
''Ok, relax, I'm opening the door'' Terry opened the door to find Smeg leaning against the door frame, bleary eyed.
''Yeah not bad'' Smeg replied. ''I'm gonna take a shit, if that's alright with you''
''How long you gonna be?''
''As long as it takes'' Smeg replied.
Have you done this one before Pat?
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Half an hour later there was no sign of Smeg emerging from the toilet. Andy and terry went to investigate and listened at the door.
''He's crying..what you gonna do Andy?''
''Dunno, what do you do when you got a man crying in the bathroom?''
''Let get him outta there, break the door in'' Andy shoulder barged the door in.
Smeg was sat on the floor sobbing, the bath over flowing, soaking the floor. They helped him up into the bedroom.
''I took all the pills in the cabinet'' Smeg told them.
''What pills, where?'' Andy shook him.
''The orange ones in the bottle''
''They are fucking vitamin pills you idiot, you could be the healithies one in the house!'' Andy laughed.
Smeg glared at him. ''I thought they were valium...jeez, I can't even top myself properly...for fucks sake!''
''Let's get another drink, ok? Forget this crap''
''I'm sorry for this shit, I just feel suicidal, like there's nothing left....what floor we on up here? Twelfth?'' Smeg walked over to the balcony.
''No, it's the ninth mate..it says twelve but it's only nine...'' Tery went over and locked the balcony wiindows.
Three girls walked in. They looked vaguely familiar, Smeg thought to himself. then again Thai Isarn girls all look alike anyway. Then he realised it was the girls from the karaoke bar earlier on.....why, for fucks sake?
He walked to the toilet again and looked in the mirror, what a sight, he looked awful, dark eyed and be-draggled. What the heck have I done with myself here in Thailand? It sure isn't the land of smiles any more.
A girl walked into the toilet. Smeg saw her in the mirror and turned around to face her. It was the same girl who had followed him to the toilet at the karaoke bar earlier on. She looked up at him and her face sank, and she shouted at him something in Lao.
Then as she attempted to turn and leave, she slipped on the wet floor, whacking her head on the bath tub as she fell. It was fatal, instant death. Her brains spilled from a gaping cranial wound, Smeg felt her pulse. As if that would do any good. Blood was pumping from her head and down the plug hole.
Andy, Terry and the other girls ran in. The sight that met them waqs horrifying. Smeg standing over a dead bloodied corpse, his hands covered in blood, seemingly caught red handed. He tried to barge through Andy and Terry who at the toilet door but they brought him down, the Thai guys helping to hold him down. One of them knocked him out cold with a punch.
Andy turned to the girls from the karaoke bar.'' What was wrong?'' He aksed them
''That guy have no shower, his dick very smell, make my friend sick mak mak, she say his eyes have devil inside'' She told him, sobbing.
''Spare me the fucking exorcist'' Terry said to her.
Smeg woke up. Two days had passed. He was now in a cell at Lat Prao police station again. A bucket of filthy water was thrown over him to wake him up. The same arresting officers from before laught at him.
''We got you now, Mr. Meredith Fortesmythe Somchai Snodworthy, no escape this time, explain this one to me'' The officer told him.
''I am innocent'' Smeg replied.
''Oh yes, the jails here are full of innocent people, it's a big problem'' The officer replied sarcastically then led Smeg back to his cell. The officers opened a bottle of whisky and poured out shots, seemingly celebrating.
Two Nigerians on drug mule charges were sharing Smegs cell. A cyanide capsule would be handy, he thought to himself. He lay doan on the floor and dozed off then suddenly awoke, it was getting dark. He looked up and saw a familiar face. It was The Sloth.
''You never learn do you Smeggie? Or should I call you Meredith? This is your last chance, we're running out of oppourtunities here, my guys will think twice about helping you this time''
''So what you saying then?'' Smeg looked up at him.
''Don't bullshit me Smeggie, I helped you last time, the evidence this time is stacked against you, we can't erase this corpse at this stage, I'm not the fucking garbage man''
''So why are you here?''
''Cos I'm fucking God, that's why. I'm your hope, your knight in shining armour''
''So what can you do to help me this time?''
''Fuck all'' The Sloth turned away and walked towrds the door. Strange thing was, he didn't wait for it to open, he just faded through it.
''I'm going crazy, losing my fucking mind...I could plead insanity, then I may get transferred to a UK jail and get off'' Smeg thought out loud.
''Fat chance of that sex case'' The officer walked through the door. ''You might get a Kings pardon halfway through your sentence''
''What will I get?''
''Probably 397 years with good behaviour''
'' But I've been framed, can't you see?''
''No I can't see, now, you get one phone call, do you wanna call your lawyer?'' the cop handed Smeg his phone. ''You get five minutes only''
Smeg phoned Pat.
''Pat, I'm up against it man, I'm in jail, I been framed''
''I won't ask what for, quite frankly I don't wanna know...innocent again?''
''The Sloth was here''
''What's he in for?''
''No, I mean he just visited me then vanished...he was here, I swear mate''
''My arse he was, you know something? Last week when I told I was sending the sloth I was fucking winding you up, taking the piss''
''But he turned up and helped me out big time''
''Fuck off, I don't believe your crap any more, and anyway The Sloth died in 1962, he's an urban legend nowadays, a myth, there's even a website devoted to him...anyway why are we having this conversation?''
Pat hung up. Smeg handed the phone back to the officer.
Smeg had to share the cell with two stinking sweaty Nigerians, it was hell, and he couldn't even hang himself with his shoelaces. Two days passed. The door opened again, it was Bom.
''You're free to go'' She said, smiling.
''How come?'' Smeg stood up rubbing his eyes.
''You got an alibi, you was in bed with me at the time of the accident, and anyway, the girl was the local village idiot, an ignoranous type, didn't you notice the buck teeth?'' Bom nudged Smeg and winked at him.
''Whatever you say Bom''
As they walked out of the police station to the car park, a black BMW passed slowly. The drivers window was open. As it went by Smeg noticed that it was The Sloth, shaking his head smiling, wagging his finger at him in jest. Smeg smiled back and the car sped off.
Bom and Smeg walked off, and the sun was already setting.
Next time on ajarn fiction: Smeg and the mystery of the boiler room scam.
Watch this space.
fucking ace pat much better
except theres only about 3 posters who remember dom and this tale of woe
dont let it stop you mate
Serial Wolf Bagger
I'm waiting on the new one, I'm going to have to up me game on the Nic Cage thread
Some fiction is always welcome.
We could all sit outside on banana lounges discussing the best way to rebuild a 4WD transmission and agree, through shared stories of conquests supporting our assertions, that there is no basis to the proposition that those least assured of their persuasions are the first to condemn others for theirs.
Awesome young Patrick!
I especially liked the references to Macca D's and degreeless Ajarn admins...
LDMA - Ajarn Forum Admin
Don't get me wrong - I don't want a 'serious' board but I'd like posts to be either genuinely amusing, informative and/ or thought provoking.
Ian McNamara - July 2000
A clash with the management will not serve the purpose of your inner peace and therefore will deprive you from happiness. Director of PAIS 2009
Only the bad person say the bad thing about the good thing.
Anon. Thai DOS
I'm off Thursday. Let me see how the weather is - if it's nice I'll go swimming, if it's crap, I'll read this novel.