Smeg was looking forward to an evening out, finally. His girlfriend had become a thorn in his side, constantly demanding cash and gifts that she thought she deserved. Funny thing was, she didn't return the same gratitude at all. She was a bit like a slab of cold wet fish in bed (but he'd give her the benefit of the doubt as it had only been 5 months relationship so far) and she wouldn't suck his dick right to orgasm, in other words he'd never been able to come in her mouth. And she always spat out whatever did get into her mouth.
Her father ran a fleet of Bangkok taxis and was a bit well off, and with Smeg's ambition to climb the social ladder he needed a girl like her. He was always giving her chances. Maybe it was time to do a runner.
Smeg's relaxation time was mainly taken up trolling on the discussion forum of ajarn.com. where he'd share such topics like 'What is your excuse for escaping your country of birth' and 'ajarn.com admin are all degree-less losers'. He'd been banned countless times for such topics but had nothing else to do. Reading books was a chore, and he already masturbated seven times a day, so how else was he to pass the time?
He met Terry at around 7pm and they had a few beers at the Old Dutch.
''So what's with the new bag? New laptop?''
''Yeah got the latest Mac yesterday''
''Show me and I'll tell you if it's any good''
''I'll show you later, I got a blister from opening this fucking zip all day on this bag and I snapped the strap when a monkey at the zoo bit it''
''Yeah the international school where I'm headteacher had a trip to the zoo''
''Oh right''....Terry was a bit sceptical because Smeg had told him the day before that he was in charge of Fall Street Thailand, the CEO.
''So how's the girlfriend then? Still getting married?''
''Maybe, but she's gone to the UK to buy a new skirt, she's always jetting off here and there, she has no trouble with visas and all that, her dad is in the mafia, she's hi-so you know''
''I know, you keep reminding me enough times...could she organise a drive-by on my ex girlfriend?''
''Possibly, give me her details and I can just make a call'' Smeg was always ambitious in his boasts. If, god forbid, he was ever taken up on a boast he'd have to act fast but luckily he was quite convincing, to a dumbass Welsh person like Terry anyway, who had left school at 7 years old and had then served 8 years for sex offences. Terry always maintained that it was for robbery but he looked a bit seedy, with his ill fitting trousers and thick rimmed glasses.
He'd arrived in Thailand to teach after falling for a bargirl in Pattaya the year before and had worked hard stacking shelves to save what he could to 'emigrate' to 'paradise'.
They drank at the Old Dutch before moving onto a quieter place up the road in Sukhumvit 19, and by 2am Smeg was falling over and had to make tracks to leave. He stumbled into a taxi and got home, gave his last 100 Baht to the driver and headed upstairs to his one room apartment.
Noi was asleep, and Smeg nudged her, she murmured something about being tired and as she turned over in bed, her eyes still shut, a seven inch dildo feel from under the duvet and onto the floor.
''What's this Noi?''
''My friend leave today, she forget''
''You promised me that you'd respect me for who I was, and not my dick size and erectile dysfuntional disease, you lying bitch''
Smeg had always tried finding girls who were 'different', office girl types who wouldn't act like whores, but in his limited experiences he always had the worst luck.
So he picked up the dildo and beat her with it, over and over until she was totally still. She was breathing slowly but was out for the count. Smeg jumped into bed and fell asleep. Unbeknown to Smeg she had suffered severe internal injuries.
There was still the problem of what to do with the body. It was starting to smell and rigour mortis had almost completely set in. Smeg sat against the wall on the floor and knocked back two bottles of Lao kao, the effects numbing the feeling of dread that polluted his mind.
Suddenly, he had a brainwave.
''I could still fuck her'' He thought, and his drunken state enhanced this idea all the more, egging him on to do the deed. He thought fuck it, you only live once, and that Pat bloke fucks his cousin regularly so this isn't so bad...well, she's dead but she's more alive than most of the bargirls from Nana I've been with.
Smeg mounted the corpse from behind and violated the already limp body, pulling up Noi's dead arms around his neck to simulate passion. He rolled over after a couple of minutes, satisfied. Spent. Relieved.
Another swig of Lao Kao.
The body still needs to be got rid of. It came hanuting back. He thought he'd throw it over the balcony into the canal nearby. He picked up the corpse over his shoulder and some of his spunk dribbled out of Noi's orifices and onto his clothes. A small price to pay for pleasure, he thought.
He hurled the body over the balcony and heard a huge splash. Out of sight and out of mind. He collapsed on the bed.
Smeg was woken by the door being banged loudly. It was the police, and they had recovered the body. A peasant living in a canal-side slum had seen the body hit the water and called the police.
''You're arrested for necrophilia and murder'' The policeman told him.
''Hope you got a good lawyer''
Smeg looked up, unable to maintain eye contact with the cop.
''Funny you say that but my students friends mother is a lawyer''
Smeg looked smug.
It had been more than three days in a prison cell at Lat Prao police station. Smeg had been transferred there by the Crime Suppresion Division's crime against women's unit, who had originally wanted to do a press conference but had had second thoughts when they realised that nobody cared at all.
After taking a crap into a leaking bucket that morning, Smegs lawyer arrived, a buffon-haired woman in her 60s, who spoke perfect english. She had been recommended by a friend who assured Smeg that she had the relevant 'contacts' to get his sentence reduced to at least 96 years with good behaviour.
Handcuffed, sweating and stinking, Smeg was hauled before the judge and told of the charges: Murder, indecent exposure, posession of drugs and posession of offensive material for distribution.
''I really need this, just get me to my cell, I'll do my sentence and hope for a King's pardon after 30 years, that way I could still TEFL a bit more before retiring to my home country of birth with a nest egg'' He told his lawyer.
''I wouldn't get your hopes up, unless the judge is in a good mood, you should opt for a friday afternoon trial, that way the judge is in a better mood and just wants to get down the pub for a friday drink with his buddies from immigration''
''Ok do that then, see what you can do''
''Have I reminded you of the cost?''
''Of what?'' Smeg was under the assumption that the British Embassy were providing legal aid at the British taxpayers expense. ''The Embassy are taking care of it right?''
''I should fuckingco-co, this ain't Tenerife....!! Who do you think you are?.......They said they wouldn't help you even if you were about to face execution, in other words they wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, you're on your own''
''What do you charge?''
''7000 Baht per hour, and you already owe me for sixteen''
''Christ, what the fuck..........I could work it off''
''Got any mates? You know, women your age who have been recently widowed?''
''No I fucking haven't, anyway what did you do to the British Embassy? They just kept hanging up when I called about you''
''I was the boyfriend of one of the Thai staff there''
''Why the hostility? towards you? What did you do?''
''I.....erm.......accidentally shat on her chest when I was drunk and my fist slipped up her arse''
''Slipped? How?'' The lawyer, Bom, thought for a second. ''You fist-fucked her?''
''Absolutely not, it was an accident''
''My arse it was''
Bom's phone rang and she smiled. ''Got you a friday afternoon hearing, 4.30pm, last of the day, and week....could be promising''
''I could get off this? Murder?''
''I'm not promising anything, just get some sleep and see you on friday''
''I'll sleep well in my four poster and silk sheets'' Smeg said after her sarcastically as she walked out.
''Hey, corpse fucking sex case, back to your cell, we got a nice big dinner for you'' The police officer in charge shouted at him. His colleagues all burst out laughing in unison.
''Big dinner?'' Hmmmmmm. Smeg thought. Maybe one of his influential friends had got him a KFC or something similar. He arrived at his cell and there was a covered silver platter on the floor. Smeg peeped inside and inside was a gruesome discovery. A pile of freshly laid dog faeces was on the plate.
He could hear the officers roaring with laughter down the corridor. No dinner this evening then, it seems.
Smeg lay on his square of lino that night, clutching his stomach in pain, trying to sleep. Masturbating was out of the question, as his cellmate was not yet asleep. It was as if the cellmate had read his mind.
Smeg felt a nudge on his shoulder, it was the skinny drug addled Lao guy who'd been framed for smuggling drugs. He pointed at Smeg's shorts.
''I chuck-wow you?''
''Yeah, ok, I no sleep, norn mee-dai na...hahahaha''
''I boom boom you?''
''Yeah why not...give me good sleep hahahaha''