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Thread: Coping with Step-Children

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    Help Coping with Step-Children

    For those of you in serious relationships with a woman who has a child from a previous relationship, how do you cope with this? And if your married, how do you go about establishing a relationship with the step child?

    I knew from the outset that my wife had a child from a previous marriage, and I accepted that. I got a huge house so that we (mom, me, our baby, and step child) could all have our own rooms and bathrooms. I made sure he was enrolled in the best school in ur neighborhood. I have spared no expense in ensuring that my step child is lacking nothing in life. I have tried (and here I think I have succeeded) in making sure that I treat the 10 year old step son and the two year old toddler no different (age, of course, does play a part, but I try to show no favoritism). And yet . . .

    Without going in to detail, it appears to me that my efforts are spat upon by the step child AND that I am rapidly becoming number four in the family order. I am so tired . . . tired of working my ass of to provide for a family when it doesn't seem to be appreciated . . . tired of having to play fourth fiddle just to make sure that someone's feelings aren't hurt (with no thought to mine) . . . and (to be honest) I am rapidly getting tired of trying.

    So this is my cry for help. What do I do? How do I do it? How do I bridge this gap between my step son and me before it's all too late?

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    Members Only Array Aquaman's Avatar
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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    You just need to give it more time. i had a hard time with my step mother for many years. she was basically my mother and did all she could to help me. Now we have a great relationship and i feel bad for all the shit i put her and my father thru as a kid. it takes a while for the kid to mature and realize what is really going on. be patient.
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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    quick observation, you say that you are fourth in the pecking order? seems that you need to talk to your wife and sort out the situation there. With that in order the step-son situation will be easier since you'll have her on side. At the end of the day the step-son is her responsibility especially if you don't have much of one with him.
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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    it takes a while for the kid to mature and realize what is really going on. be patient.
    After reading that, I realized what a shit I was to my parents. Thanks for putting a bit of this into perspective. Patience is something I need to work on.
    At the end of the day the step-son is her responsibility especially if you don't have much of one with him.
    During the work week, I don't. I do try to do family things on the weekend that involve all. These include fishing trips, trips to parks, day outings to places, etc. It's not every weekend, though. Sometimes, I just have to work (catch up on grading, mid-terms, etc). But I do try for twice a month.

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    out of control Array bewildered wanderer's Avatar
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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    Yeah, what does the wife have to say?
    IME, nice people get treated this way. You sound like a nice guy. I'm not a nice guy and no one treats me that way. I know it is a shitty trade off, but I'm happy, and you could be to.
    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    You sound like a nice guy. I'm not a nice guy and no one treats me that way.
    I did lose it tonight and told the family that if they didn't like what I provided with all my work, then I would just stop trying and we could live Thai style. You could have hear a pin drop in the living room. We'll see what happens.

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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    Plus remember that at that age even natural born kid's can be a bit of a handful. My older brother's having hell and all trouble with his 11 year old son. I've been quite lucky with my stepdaughter as her dad fucked off when she was about a month old so she couldn't care less and as far as she's concerned I'm her dad.
    My friend went through a similar experience as you Wangsuda. At the age your step son is his Thai stepdaughter treated him like pure shit. All the "You're not my dad" bollox. Now she's M.5, has matured, realises who was the one who was there for her when it counted and think's the sun shines out of my mates arse.

    My wife explained to my stepdaughter that even though I didn't make her who's the one who treats her the best. Who gives her things, takes her places, helps her with schoolwork, takes her to dance class and basically looks after her. She said that I (Col) didn't have to do these things because she's not my "real" daughter but I did because I love both of them.

    Maybe you could try that?
    It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no Interior Minister of Thailand's son.

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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    It plain terms, if I may, you're shagging his mother. He's seen a daddy take a hike in the past, right? Maybe he's waiting for you to follow suit. I've never been a stepchild and never had one through marriage. I do know boy, and sometimes girls, will act up and get pushy when they are insecure, or when a father has left and they feel a duty to fill in. Since they're too young to work and properly fill in, they get bossy and pushy.

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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    Quote Originally Posted by Aquaman View Post
    You just need to give it more time. i had a hard time with my step mother for many years. she was basically my mother and did all she could to help me. Now we have a great relationship and i feel bad for all the shit i put her and my father thru as a kid. it takes a while for the kid to mature and realize what is really going on. be patient.

    Sound advice. Your kids only 10. He's not mature enough to understand the big picture. I don't know of anybody who's a stepchild (unless the stepparent is an utter shit) who doesn't idolize their stepfather/mother.


    When I was in the army my friend got a call that his stepfather had died. Huge great tattooed squaddie howling his eyes out in the barracks with no shame. He was heartbroken. Compare that with when his natural father died. Nothing. Nada. He went to the funeral only because he thought it was his duty.

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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    My wife explained to my stepdaughter that even though I didn't make her who's the one who treats her the best. Who gives her things, takes her places, helps her with schoolwork, takes her to dance class and basically looks after her. She said that I (Col) didn't have to do these things because she's not my "real" daughter but I did because I love both of them. Maybe you could try that?
    I think it has been tried (assuming my shitty Thai was good enough to understand the dialogue). But what I don't get is why he has to lash out. No one has explained this to me. Why doe he have to steal when I provide all? Why does he have to take food out of other people's bowls when my wife cooks enough to feed an army? I just don't get it. I dunno, maybe I am not trying hard enough? Maybe it's just resentment that mommy married a farang? I really don't know. None of the child psychology classes I took in my grad work covered this.

    It plain terms, if I may, you're shagging his mother.
    Yes, that's how the two year old got here.
    He's seen a daddy take a hike in the past, right?
    Yup, he has.
    Maybe he's waiting for you to follow suit.
    Or pushing me to it, so he can have mommy to himself. Sorry, evil thought.
    Last edited by wangsuda; 18th July 2008 at 21:40. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    I really think it's age mate. It's got nothing to do with being a stepparent or not. I will say though don't tolerate stuff like the examples you gave. Even though you're not "dad" you still make the rules. Make sure your wife is on the same page as you on this as well.

    How much English does he speak? If it's not too much then maybe he's afraid because there's this guy in the house who's not Thai and he doesn't understand much of but his mum loves. I might be the same. I was the same with my first Thai g/f. When her family visited (none of who spoke English) it made me frigging uncomfortable.

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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    How much English does he speak?
    My Thai is much better than his English, and that's not saying much. Heck, my two-year old's English is better than his. But I do try to work with him and I am trying to improve my Thai. But yes, there is a HUGE communication barrier here and I know that it's part of the problem. Unfortunately, there's no quick fix. I wish there was.

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    stāj wən pro·gen·i·tor Array IsaanAlex's Avatar
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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    Honestly, don't mean to be a downer ( ) but just walk away.

    It probably won't get better...especially if you are with a Thai.

    My (ex)wife was walked out on and I'd done everything for my stepson, including getting them Canadian citizenship, etc, etc, etc.

    And I was literally spat upon.

    Not literally from the stepson like his mom but he was clearly told in no undertain terms, when push comes to shove to "not give a shit about this guy" (me)..." as he's not your real father anyways..."

    Sure, some might say I'm just bitter due to a failed relationship in I was unfairly compared to a Thai man who fucked off on a kid that I loved and treated as my own....or other could say my honesty is overwhelmingly due to the second large and very delicious Bombay and Tonic I just sunk ...and both may be true to whatever extent,,.,...but whatever.

    If you are delaing with the majority of Thais...don't count on appreciation.

    Quite the opposite and you're well sorted.

    A mate here essentially broke up with his Korean girlfriend and her parting words, true to form were, "I have just called the police. You are a foreigner....get the fuck out of Korea..."

    Well, it's the same thinking here...as Thailand.

    Do you want to wait until your stepson, (or wife),....is old enough to fall out with you and....



    IA

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    ocean cloud hermit Array daneel's Avatar
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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    Seems to me it's not the son you are worried about but your feeling you are playing 4th fiddle. I haven't seen any evidence that your wife is helping and supporting you on this one as well.

    On the other hand the boy is ten, is in a setting he doesn't really understand or want to understand, then he sees you with the two year old doing other things than with him. Maybe he feels a bit out of his depth here?
    I bet you have rules in the house he needs to follow which he doesn't understand because he has bever followed any before (I am guessing he stayed with the grandparents) and the expectations are higher now so yep he'll act up.

    Be patient with the boy but you need to make your wife understand you need her support on this as well, a "talk" is simply not enough.

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    Re: Coping with Step-Children

    Or pushing me to it, so he can have mommy to himself. Sorry, evil thought.
    Not at all. As a shrink once told me: Nobody in your life has ever or will ever love you as much as your mother. I think the popular term and perception evil stepfather came from one of us pushed over the limit by a stepchild.

    I have 1150 7-8 year-olds every week in a smallish classroom. Don't know their names but for a few, but ask me to point out those boys who haven't a father, or haven't an active father, and I'll pin the tail on the donkey.

    I advise you never kid yourself ito thinking a kid will respect you more cause there's food on his plate and his tele is big-screened. He runs on emotions. He's from a dysfunctional family so he is, in turn, dysfunctional. He has to realize the value of being part of a family. And he doesn't, not yet. If he were mine I'd talk him to an orphanage every day for a week and show him around. He'll get the idea.

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