Thread: Your idea of a movie from hell

It hasn't been made yet, but what would be your idea of a movie from hell?

I'm tempted to say anything with Steve Martin in it, but can you imagine throwing Goldie Hawn, a litter of St Bernard puppies and a couple of cute kids into the mix? Then can you imagine sitting through the straight-to-DVD sequel?'

When Spring Blossoms' or some other title with the words 'Spring' and 'Blossom' in it. Jennifer Lopez escapes the clutches of a violent husband by fleeing to a little backwater town, eventually gaining work in a local diner. It's here she falls in love with one of the regular customers, a lowly stuttering garage mechanic played by Ben Affleck. I was going to throw terminal cancer into the pot but I think you can only go so far before reaching for the sick bucket.

We've had the blockbuster union of De Niro and Pacino but what about Sly and Arnie turning up together to single-handedly wipe out whole armies in the jungle. Watch in awe as they leap into action in a blur of AK-47s and wobbly manboobs. Let's call it 'Operation Deathcode' and find a supporting role for Ray Liotta while we're at it.

Something with 'Mars' in the title that runs for 147 minutes and 126 of those minutes are spent aboard a spaceship. Not much of a plot but there's a bit of silver-suited love interest as Sigorney Weaver (does anyone with a dick actually fancy that woman?) and an aging Michael York.

I'm trying to piece together the idea of something with Stephen Seagal and a soundtrack by Guns 'N' Roses but it's too painful.

Originally Posted by Nick

In particular the inclusion of Steve Martin.

Is it true he is supposed to be a comedian?

Originally Posted by Bangkok Phil

We've had the blockbuster union of De Niro and Pacino

I rate them both although De Niro's effort in the Fockers was ordinary...and the only Pacino flop was Scarface...with the Devils Advocate not far behind

Originally Posted by Bangkok Phil

Sigorney Weaver (does anyone with a dick actually fancy that woman

Call me weird Phil...but she is one of my favourite MILF fantasies...perhaps she did too good a job playing Dianne Fossey...now there is an example of what you describe...trapping that poor photographer up in the mist so the only option he had was her or a gorrilla...I would have chosen the gorilla

Originally Posted by pucky

The Brady Bunch and the Osmonds

Originally Posted by been there done that

the remake of (herbie) "the love bug" with that "troubled actress" lindsay lohan

This is a good list...if good is the word

Originally Posted by LeedsLeedsLeeds

Cue 90 minutes of comfortably middle class folk who seemingly never feel the need to do any work as they would rather throw costume / cocktail / dinner parties in which gallons of French plonk are consumed whilst skirting around the subject of sex and never actually getting any.

...but there seems to be a market for that stuff...like Notting Hill chai mai?

Catwoman Vs. The Kung-Fu Master of China: Jamie Lee Curtis stars as the hot to trot catgirl. Catwoman also pairs up with Wonderwoman played by Sigourney Weaver in a striking costume. Steven Segal stars as the nemesis of the intrepid duo in this amazing live action film with a cartoon dog. Segal also plays the love interest of Catwoman.
Caution: Mild nudity (no violence).

Gigli 2: Gangster School
Ben Affleck resturns to reprise his role as Mr.Gigli. Gigli runs out of money and finds himself teaching ghetto kids in an urban neighbourhood using the medium of tapdance. Affleck's character has to fight against an evil drug lord played by Ice-T to compete for the children's affections and time. Sandra Bullock plays the role of the strict headmistress who is initially shocked by Gigli's wild tap dancing but later falls in love and introduces tap dancing to the schools curriculum.
Soundtrack by Steps and Eminem.

Harry Potter: The Musical
Nicholas Cage stars as the 12 year old potter in this awesome theatrical performance. Christian Slater is Mr. Beardy, the friendly troll and Dakota Fanning takes on the part of a new character from the Potter series. Fanning plays the role of a blind orphan who has a natural skill for horse whispering. The highlight of the musical is when Fanning sings her way to glory at the annual Hogwart's Horse Show for wizards.

Love Thy Neighbour
Morgan Freeman has the narrating duties as God in this wonderfully created emotional tearjerker with CGI effects. All star cast with Tom Cruise, Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey and Lindsay Lohan in this small town drama. Cruise is the new neighbour in town who has just arrived from France and the neighbours have trouble understanding him with his French accent. Carrey is a depressed bank executive who can't quite summon the nerve to ask Lohan out on a date. With a little help from Cruise's character Monsieur Ouef the pair get united. Eddie Murphy plays the town mayor, the human form of god, Lohans sister,
5 frenchmen and Mr.Ouef's best friend.

Richard Curtis directs a tale of a middle class accounts manager played by Renee Zelwegger living in Golder's Green with her cookie and eccentric sister played by Catherine Tate who has cancer. Zelwegger's character, probably called Penelope (Penny for short) is...I don't know, looking for empowerment or something while looking to choose between two men because her life isn't complete without one even though she's apparently this strong independant, funny and astute woman.

Her sister is there for the laughs and the bitersweetness of her health before providing the audience with something to cry over when she slips away in her BUPA hospital bed in the final third. The two men are played by Rhys Ifans as some carosuing, smooth, cool cunt that is fabulously rich and the other is played by a thalidomide victim with a heart of gold. Ifans is actually the only character without a heart of gold. Every fucker in London has a heart if gold in this film. Every generic cockney. Hearts of gold abound as well as middle class cookiness and working class streetwise humour.

The movie ends with everyone haphazardly meeting at a bar mitzvah where Penny, the fucking superficial cunt, has seemingly picked the rich, conceited twat until the flid turns up and takes the microphone from the DJ and gives some speech about how he may not have any opposable thumbs nor fully formed legs but Penny completes him. The film then ends with everyone dancing to Sade with Penny carrying her disabled lover out the fire exit.

This is all happening over the backdrop of England winning the football World Cup.

tarantino comes back to earth with a simmering tale of a blind automatic weapons mechanic played by kevin kostner who's hightened sense of smell has him infatuated with the bubbly but a tad ditsy and scatter-brained florist molly played by meg ryan.

Originally Posted by bobcummings

Jamie Lee Curtis

Another one of my fantasy MILF