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Thread: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

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    Dexter Array dexter's Avatar
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    Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    After reading of Martin Bryant's prison suicide attempts and of the banned suicide manual, (yeah I know, old hat, but I've been in Thailand for years and I don't have the opportunity to read much apart from Ajarn and textbooks),

    "Let evil Martin Bryant die

    THE Port Arthur killer should be allowed to die following several attempts to kill himself in his prison cell, euthanasia advocate Dr Philip Nitschke says.

    Martin Bryant, Australia's worst mass murderer, is serving 35 life sentences for the 1996 killings of 35 people at Tasmania's historic Port Arthur penal settlement, in the world's worst mass murder by a lone gunman.
    Bryant has made at least five suicide attempts in Tasmania's Risdon Prison and has been treated at hospital twice this year after slashing himself with disposable razor blades.

    [...]A controversial how-to manual on killing yourself written by Dr Nitschke was banned in Australia in December 2006 and in New Zealand this week."

    Let evil Martin Bryant die | The Daily Telegraph.

    I decided on a Google search and have uncovered a wealth of valuable material and a thriving market, i.e,

    • and various methods of topping yourself,
    Headbutt the sidewalk:

    Manliness: 10 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 10 Mess: 4
    What you need: a sidewalk.
    How to do it:
    Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.
    Step 2: Repeat.
    Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.

    Lick a hooker's ass:

    Manliness: 0 Style: 1 Awesomeness: 1 Mess: 10
    What you need: a hooker, $0.75.
    How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her "ass buffet." If she doesn't know what you're talking about, punch her. If she does know what you're talking about, she shouldn't charge you more than 75 cents to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her since technically it's not sex (unless you're gay, but I'm not sure if it counts if it's a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered shoplifting. Once you've done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some alcohol nearby. Make sure it's something strong like turpentine, because you'll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don't always shit properly depending on their clientele. The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working. Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in hives. Then just wait a few months and if the other diseases don't get to you first, the AIDS will. Talk about a cheap suicide! At 75 cents, you can't afford not to kill yourself!

    [I dunno about this one--know some fellas who'd gladly partake-Dexter]

    Cadbury surprise:

    Manliness: 9 Style: 8 Awesomeness: 12 Mess: 8

    What you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs.
    How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper, and replace them with cadbury easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?! Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the last two treats.

    How to kill yourself like a man.

    Jumping
    Here are a couple of great ways to kill yourself by jumping off a tall building, or cliff, or basically anything really high. The thing about these is that they generally work best if you can get a big crowd watching before you jump. Don't do it when there is no one around. There's just no bloody point in that.

    Drown in Your Own Urine
    Difficulty level: 8
    Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine. Drown yourself in it. Put a note on the side of the pool saying, "MY URINE."
    This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, dooty. For you despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly impressive. You will have to get some viagra and work frantically for years, but what else have you got to do?
    Pop into alt.binaries.erotica.bestiality, get the vibrator out and get crackin'. Remember, do something really weird and original, something that will tell them you are/were special.


    Falling through Chain Saws
    Difficulty level: 10
    This is much more difficult to pull off. Instead of explosives, the money shot is you falling though three or four operating chain saws. You do not need as high a building for this --- anything above three stories will do. Remember to use the vaseline-gasoline mixture. That's the ingredient that adds pizzazz.


    Bullet in Your Head
    Difficulty level: 1
    HAMMER a bullet into your skull. Make sure there is an empty gun nearby but do not fire it (a gun that has never been fired works best in this situation). Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It doesn't matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. You'll probably even make it on MythBusters. Hell, you want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don't you?

    Cool Ways to Kill Yourself

    Carbon Monoxide Poisoning

    The most painless way, and without drugs is carbon monoxide poisoning. You'll have to make sure that nobody will bother you for a few hours(to interrupt). So many people die(accidentally)without even knowing they are doing it. A gas heater(propane or kerosine)or a small hibachi with charcoal in your bedroom (or any other small room) with all widows and doors shut and crack sealed. Or, a garden hose shoved in your exhaust pipe and fed through your car window (tape the window crack)and it will have the same effect ... or just run the vehicles engine while in your garage with the door shut. This will result in you smelling like exhaust though.

    The result is you will just fall asleep and never wake up ... that is if nobody finds you in time. If you are found before the deed is done, then you can live with some of the worst brain damage imaginable. This would be my preferred way ... and I have thought about it, but what always snaps me back to reality is the thought of my kids and loved-ones never getting over it, and if there is "another side" to go to, you will have to watch all of this pain that you have caused.



    How to kill yourself? - AskEarth


    Please add your ideas, I'll start off with the infamous Pattaya Flop of course.

    Remember these famous last words, 'It's your suicide, so have fun with it'.

    Last edited by dexter; 10th May 2008 at 17:17.
    Fitting triangles into squares.

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    Still got the Blues Array
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Great post. Read the Darwin Awards website too. Good stuff there.

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    A lousy and daring fellow Array Bubba's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    If I had to kill myself I'd sell everything I owned, buy a ferrari, fill it up with ducks and balloons, spend whatever I had left on heroin, get stoned, and drive the car into a brick wall at top speed.

    I just love to thing of what whoever would have made of it ... ferrari ... heroin ... ducks ... balloons ... what the fuck ?
    Nuts In A Blender

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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Quote Originally Posted by Bubba View Post
    If I had to kill myself I'd sell everything I owned, rent a toyota, fill it up with ducks and balloons, spend whatever I had left on heroin, get stoned, and drive the car into a brick wall at top speed. I just love to thing of what whoever would have made of it ... toyota ... heroin ... ducks ... balloons ... what the fuck ?

    Poor mans suicide
    Daniel Bedingfield claimed that his new album is what it would sound like if Sting, Stevie Wonder and Micheal Jackson were in a basement together - I haven't got the album so I'll have to imagine the sound of a blind bloke and a Geordie kicking the shit out of a pedophile.

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    A lousy and daring fellow Array Bubba's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    ^ sly fukka.

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    American Tourist Array DunceCap's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Quote Originally Posted by dexter
    Manliness: 0 Style: 1 Awesomeness: 1 Mess: 10
    like the scale, let's see how it works

    Manliness: 8 Style: 6 Awesomeness: 5 Mess: 6
    sliding down a 20 meter razor blade

    Manliness: 1 Style: 7 Awesomeness: 2 Mess: 10
    drowning in a bath tub filled with snot

    Manliness: 6 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 2 Mess: 8
    Running out onto the freeway(in heavy traffic)
    Miles and miles to go before I sleep...

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    dia dhuit Array zehner's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    just get a shotgun and blow your head off.

    one of my seppo mates started telling me he was going to top himself recently. i don't know whether it was a cry for help or a release. either way i did not want to know.

    suicide is a pussies way out. we all live and die.......we aren't meant to decide when either happens imho.

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    Xerographic Detournements Array re_fuse's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Life never gives us a load we cannot carry

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    Dexter Array dexter's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Quote Originally Posted by DunceCap View Post
    like the scale, let's see how it works
    Manliness: 1 Style: 7 Awesomeness: 2 Mess: 10
    drowning in a bath tub filled with snot
    Where's all the snot from?



    Stand under a shipping container which is being unloaded.

    Manliness: 7 Style: 1 Awesomeness: 7 Mess: 10



    Quote Originally Posted by zehner View Post
    just get a shotgun and blow your head off.

    'Just'? Where can we get hold of a boomstick on such short notice?

    Quote Originally Posted by zehner View Post
    suicide is a pussies way out. we all live and die.......we aren't meant to decide when either happens imho.
    Did you get a twinge of pleasure at the ending of Hard Candy?

    Last edited by zehner; 11th May 2008 at 11:05. Reason: pic

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    Wannabe Guru Array theent01's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Quote Originally Posted by re_fuse View Post
    Life never gives us a load we cannot carry
    What makes you think that "life" has an ontology that is perceptive of what you can carry? How would life know when the point is that you will have lasting and horrible psychological or physical damage? Why should it stop there?

    In my experience and opinion, life is random, and the only patterns are those we see because we are programmed by evolution to see them. We make up patterns because we like order.
    "$!!str8 hood!$$" - This is how one of my student's parents ends the text messages they send me... What planet am I working on?
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

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    Xerographic Detournements Array re_fuse's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    You would think that because your weird




    Go ahead then kill your self

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    lo-so Array grasshopper's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    100 paracetamol and a bottle of vodka




    or walk off the top of a tall building
    the answer to the secret of the universe is the secret itself

    and the secret is.........................................it isn't there

    grasshopper 2008

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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Nice work--thank you for sharing-
    Thanks so much for this. I appreciate the effort. It really helps a lot.

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    Got a light? Array Slim Chance's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    I remember a few years some scientist geek got an electric extension cord and wrapped the ends around his teeth (ones with metal fillings) and then 'powered up'.
    Mess: very low, though does the smell of burning flesh count?
    Ingenuity: 10

    I used to work in a path lab, and we'd get the coroners cases passing through. Young pregnant girl, 20 or so, staying at a hostel. The residents were sitting downstairs, red stain appeared on the ceiling. They went upstairs and found her dressed in lingerie and wearing heavy goth makeup. She used a small chainsaw (like one of those shrub pruning ones) to almost cut her own head off and was able to get a fair way thru.
    Manliness: 10 Mess: 9 Awsomeness: ??

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    Senior Member Array Lor Ling's Avatar
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    Re: Cool Ways to Kill Yourself -- Graphic Content

    Quote Originally Posted by re_fuse View Post
    Life never gives us a load we cannot carry
    Dunno about that. My ball's are getting pretty heavy.

    It's been a while since I last 'got my joint waxed'
    When the great lord passes the wise peasant bows deeply and silently farts

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