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Thread: The best Jokes

  1. #1486
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    The grade school teacher in South Central was teaching her class about gardening.
    She held up a shovel and said 'does anybody know what this is?'
    Jonny put up his hand and said 'that's a shovel.'
    'very good ,Jonny.'
    The teacher held up a hoe and said' does anybody know what this is'?
    No answer.
    Finally the teacher said 'this is a hoe'.
    Jonny looked confused and rose his hand, 'Teacher, my sisters a hoe and she don't look like that.'

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    ^ What kind of doors did the classroom have?

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    it was LA somebody stole all of them to buy some crack.

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    Senior Member Array Beavis's Avatar
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    What has four legs and yells "hoe-dee-doe, hoe-dee-doe!"?











    Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.

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    What's the difference between a rooster and a whore?





    A rooster says "Cockle doodle doo" and a whore says "Any cock'll do"

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    Quote Originally Posted by fred flintstone View Post
    Jonny looked confused and rose his hand,
    ...before he raised to his feet and leaved via the very impressive, market leading, imported Indian door...
    This space for rent.

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    Oy! The joke thread has a poetic grammar license!

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    Pretty Like Girl Array WilliamBlake's Avatar
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    Indeed. Would you like spam with that?

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    what's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

    you can't make a vitamin.
    Last edited by fred flintstone; 29th February 2012 at 17:01.

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    How do you make a hormone?


    Either don't pay her or kick her in the twat.

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    I grew up in a poor family. Do you remember those stick-on soles? Not as good as shoes are they?
    The worst job in Thailand must be the man who has to sit down with a blue marker pen and mark a number two on the two-baht coins to stop people thinking they are one-baht coins.

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    Senior Member Array Getorfmoiland's Avatar
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    I've just been confronted by my neighbour about the missing items from her washing line. I was so scared, i almost shit her pants.
    "Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much !"
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    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

    Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes


    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse


    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

    The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

    A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

    It was a lovely service.


    An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.















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    HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2130?

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions ..

    White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK 's third language.

    Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

    Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa: Sharia law must be enforced.

    Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

    Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

    Britain 's deficit
    £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

    Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

    Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.



    Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

    Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

    Post Office raises price of stamps to
    £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

    After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss..

    Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

    Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

    New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

    Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

    Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

  15. #1500
    Striver Array Mr Pants's Avatar
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    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

    I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!

    You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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