Waiter approaches a table of Jews and asks, "Is anything alright?"
Did you hear about the Pollock who changed his socks everday?
By the end of the week his shoes wouldn't fit.
How do you know if your roommate's gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What sound does a baby make when you put it in the microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy jerking off.
Did you hear about the Pollock whose wife had triplets?
Yeah, he went out looking for the other two guys.
While a gay couple are having sex a plane crashes into their home and kills them both. Guess which one went to heaven first?
The one who was taking it in the ass because his shit was already packed.
What's 80 year old pussy taste like?
What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary before he wanted to have sex?
I'll be back in an hour.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Why have the Japanese got slit eyes?
You ever seen the glow off an atom bomb
Take me down to the paranormal city where the girls are green and they have three titties...
Oh, won't you please take me home?
A blind man walked into a shop. In the middle of the shop, he stopped, picked his seeing-eye dog up and started spinning it around by the tail.
A clerk ran over and asked the man if there was a problem or if he needed some help.
The blind man said, "No, thanks, I'm just looking around."
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit in the head by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood
He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and yourbrother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset.'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
(This joke should be told in a hillbilly accent)
These three fags one of their faggot friends had died are trying to decide what to do with the faggots ashes. First faggots like, "Man we oughta take his ashes up to the mountain because that faggot loved the mountain." Second faggots like, "No man, let's take his ashes to the ocean because that faggot loved the beach." And the third faggots like, "No man, lets put his ashes in a vat of chili and let him tear our asses up one more time!"
Last edited by Anna Key; 18th November 2012 at 17:49.
"Take this, brother; may it serve you well."
It's Polack, according to wiki...you have to understand this is one especially big, dumb Polack; dumber than the average Polack even (don't know if he's stupid enough to spell it Pollock...but he ain't bright). And "change" doesn't imply removal. Just cause I change the color of my walls, i.e. paint them, doesn't mean I remove the previous paint.
All those jokes were courtesy of the great Tony Clifton, so please take up any of your other complaints with him.
Look - I'll demonstrate:
"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side"
"You know you're from Norfolk when your family tree looks like a Jackson Pollock painting."
That's funny. I know funny, Kronauer.
(Okay - I'll stop pissing about now.)
Last edited by Anna Key; 18th November 2012 at 19:07.
i think a joke is officially unfunny when you have to try to explain it...
I said I'd stop but I came across this a while back and while it isn't a joke as such, it amused me.
If World War One was a Bar Fight...
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view.
Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.
Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?
Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper.
When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over.
Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there.
Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.
By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.