Thread: The best Jokes

A farang and his Thai wife fall on hard times.

Money is tight and they're getting desperate.

One day, the wife says 'Hunneee, I go work in bar - sell my body for money'.

The husband is horrified and refuses.

As weeks pass, their plight grows worse and the wife keeps repeating her offer.

Eventually the husband, seeing his whole world falling apart agrees.

The first night his wife goes out to work the bars. He sits at home fretting and hating the world waiting for her to come home.

Eventually, in the early hours, she returns.

She empties the money onto the table which her husband counts.

It comes to 10,520 baht.

The husband snatches up the green 20 baht note and shouts 'Twenty baht - which tight bastard gave you 20 baht'

The wife replies 'But hunneee, they all did'.

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."


Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "


"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

I met this 14-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up and get to know each other better. Then she tells me she’s an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!?

Red him

Whats got four legs and goes woof? Piper alpha

Why have the Japanese got slit eyes? You ever seen the glow off a atom bomb?

Whats do you call three wheelchairs stacked on top of each other? a vegetable rack

Not nice jokes, but they are only jokes.

So, 2 irish fellas are sat at a bar and a clean shaven, smartly dressed man works in, orders a pint then goes to the lavatory.

The irish fella turns to his mate and says "fucking hell paddy, what do you think he does?" Paddy replies "No, fucking idea, i'm guessing he'll be here on business"

Intrigued and needing to pee himself, paddy goes to lavatory and starts a conversation with the foreign gentleman. "So, you're not from around here then?" paddy asks. The gentleman turns to paddy and says, no i'm from London actually. "London, that'll be far away from here, what do you do?" asks Paddy. The smartly dressed gentleman replies "I'm a logical analyst" "A logical analyst, what the fuck does one of those do then?" asks Paddy. "Hmm, it's difficult to explain but let me demonstrate it to you by asking a few questions." Paddy agrees and the gentleman starts with "Do you have goldfish?" Confused Paddy replies "Yes, I have goldfish." The logical analyst then says "Well, i'm guessing that you probably have children then." "Fucking hell, I have three of the little buggers." replies paddy. Then logical analyst says "Well from that I can conclude that you are happily married, have been for some time and are very faithful to your wife and kids." "Argh, you got me there." replies Paddy. After their little discussion, they both exit the lavatory and part company.

Paddy arrives back at the bar and his friend asks" So what does he do Paddy?" "He's a logical analyst" he replied. "A logical what?" replies the friend." "Yeah, it's difficult to explain, let me demonstrate it to you." volunteered Paddy. "Do you have goldfish?" His friend replies "No" "Well you're a fucking wanker then, aren't you!"

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
Mother: How do you like your new teacher?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one!
Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Father: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!
Mother: How did you find school today?
Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was!
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Pupil: I get up early!
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!
Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
Mother: Does your teacher like you?
Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
Student 1: (to female teacher) Can you hold on to my wallet for me while we take the exam? There may or may not be money in it.
Teacher: I can't be bought!
Student 2: Yes, but can you be rented for a little while?
- Credit to Dizzyboy

I think my sat nav is broke.... i put in Chelsea and it said 2 minutes from Rome.

Making Aussies Happy


Rudd, Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a
gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling,
'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and
make someone very happy ...'

Gillard shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Swan says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant
jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window
and make 22 million people happy!'